I had a lot of time to myself recently, its purely because I was off work when everybody was in work, even now, while I sit here tapping away at this blog, I am by myself - albeit in work. I do have a lot of time to myself, a lot of time to think and contemplate life and its mysteries... Especially life's most recent mystery... how to help others that, well, cant be helped unless they are willing to learn the lesson that life is showing them.
Its amazing really, Life is such a strange thing, the Lessons that we learn from Doing simple things, as well as the mistakes that we make. If you do not see something as a mistake, you never learn from it. I cannot think of anything in life that I, personally regret doing - to me it was yet another lesson in life, if it wasn't for that lesson then I would not be the man that is sitting in front of this laptop, killing time in work, writing about the way life is for me. I have made mistakes in the past, some worse than others, but you (at least I did) learn from these things. I'm certainly not going to go into the ins and outs of the mistakes I have made, as for one, I sure as helldon't know where I would start...
Sitting by yourself is an amazing thing, the peace and quiet can lead to your brain working overtime, it allows you to come to quiet conclusions to things, but it can also stress you out somewhat, as some people have found out... this is one thing I do regret, sorry I lied... but when you Have a go at someone whom, really is an innocent party in something, over something merely trivial, well... I can safely say I feel like a Bad person afterwards. I discover a lot of things when I sit and think to myself, the feelings you have for people, the ideas that make your life the mystery it is, even down to what you are going to have for you dinner... it can all be solved by just sitting, in this case, in a Dark office, dimly lit by the glow of a Laptop screen, no lights, the shudder of the walls every time a train rolls past outside.
I have even discovered the City can be a Tranquil place at night, we are away from the hustle and bustle of the tourist areas, however, some places come alive at night on a Friday, with the electric atmosphere of the hidden London Clubs that only open their doors at the weekends to the humdrum party animals that are London'sNightlife.
On a moonlit Evening, I decided to take a walk around the local area, to clear my head of the confusion that was milling in it, needless to say, walking the streets, the glow of the orange street lighting, mixed with the lights of the offices, add a depth and new dimensions to the mixture of architecture that fillsLondon's Streets, you get a sense of being alone, as you walk, you see only but your reflection in the glass, rarely, late at night do you see someone walking off a main road, down side alleys and the back routes of London.
I do wonder sometimes as the people walk by me, I wonder, what is going through their mind, what are they contemplating, you see a young lady, sitting on a train staring almost blankly out of the window, no look of expression on their face, not following the scenery that whizzes by as the train makes its way past peoples houses, glancing around the carriage, making eye contact and breaking it almost instantly, returning the gaze to the distance of the window, maybe she is contemplating, what is beyond that window as a smile creeps the corners of her face, people wonder constantly, about loves found and loves lost, the life that surrounds them, the people and the things that keep them moving daily, if it wasn't for those around us, where would we be in life? The people that have an impact on us, the ones that make the biggest impression are the ones we will always remember, today I write about a girl on the train, but tomorrow that girl wont be in my head, she will become, but another person that you brushed past to get to a seat, another person that you will most likely never see again.
The ones that make a difference in your life however, are the ones that are always there, even when they are not there physically, there are a lot of people in my life, some I see all the time, some that I rarely see, then there are the ones, that no matter wether or not I see them, are always with me, the ones that I cant help but think about when I feel down, when I feel alone, the sad thing is, some of these people, lately, I hardly see purely because of conflict in schedule, which I know is a crap excuse, but it is the reason for it... I'd love to see more of certain people, I'd also love to see less of others.
There is one person that has made an Impact on me, as all of my friends have, that is why they are still my friends, because they are the ones that make me feel like a 'normal' person, but there is one that has opened my eyes to a lot of things, a lot of reasoning that I had never before felt, or even thought about. Its even the simple thing of driving along, listening to an album that makes you miss someone, not because of who they are or what they do for you, the way they make you feel, the person that they make you. I can safely say I am an altogether different person when I am with them, it feels like I don't have to do anything to impress them, don't have to worry about what I do or don't do, everything I do is fine and I feel they are the same with me, they don't have to do anything to make me want to be around them, its the energy I feel, the peace of just being able to sit there and be me.
This is what I contemplate, the 'what if?', although, I don't let the whole 'what if?' thing rule my life, it can go both ways, you can do one thing, think what if I didn't do it, well its the same the other way around, what if you didn't do it, you would be sitting there thinking the same thing..... What if? I envision situations, I think about what life would be like if it was a different way, I look at the things that I'd like to happen, but I also look at it, in the way if something did happen, what would happen if that situation were to take a wrong turn, as I have seen a lot of things take a wrong turn lately, but I can safely say, at the moment, I'm not willing to risk what I have already, to lose that would take a big part of my life away, a major shock to the system that I don't need, as it would hurt me more to become something else with someone, but stay almost as close and then lose that.... its not worth the risk.
To continue things, well thats never going to be easy, because purely I am in a different mood to the way I was before, I have gone through more stress, more anguish and pain, but recently, It all came out, what was bottled up inside, just, found a way out, I found the right time and person to talk about it to, admittedly, that person was the one that it was all about
It also made me Realise, just how important some people are to me, especially the ones that have changed my life in a way thats hard to explain, without them I was starting to lag.
Although the chance of things happening are slim, as I said before I dont think I would want them to, as what I have already, I wouldn't want to lose, those people are important to me, in ways that are hard to explain.